Transitions

I am new to this…but I guess I’ve already put myself out there like an open book for the whole world to see, might as well try to make something positive come out of it.  My walk with God is my life, cause if I stop walking with God I know my hope is gone. He has given me everything I never had, answered all my questions, and removed all the fear I always denied having. He showed me what true love is, and how a person can be completely changed. He showed me truth, gave me understanding, and made my weaknesses my strengths. He allowed me to see the world did not revolve around me, and there was a cause greater than my own. I could go on and on, maybe I will another day. Right now I’m so disappointed in myself. Of all that He has done for me I have been unfaithful. It is true He is the only Faithful.

I gave my life to Christ over three years ago, I’ve been sober for over 6 and a half years, I got out of prison a year ago, and have finally truly Loved a woman for the first time. I don’t know if I can fit anything more on my plate to fight for, but I’m sure I’ll try if there is anything left. There seem to be so many aspects of my life, my walk with God, in transition. I don’t know why I would want to complicate it more. I guess out of sheer ignorance and selfishness. I have fallen and tripped so many times over the last year. The enemy has had a field day with me, and I’ve been an easy prey. Like a sheep led to the slaughter. I feel weakened through my shame. It’s so hard to get back what you’ve allowed to fade into the background. Not that I will give up, because I wont. Just when I thought I had everything under control I find out how out of control everything can get, and how fast. The enemy is so subtle, a little here, a little there. Before I know it I’m compromising so many aspects of my walk. Things I said I would never compromise. The one thing I hold on to is the Church and God’s Truth. Even finding a church proved to be a test. Would I compromise there as well? I’ve thought about it. So tempting.

Anyways, transition. I’m juggling these different aspects of my life and walk with God, and trying to be aware of how they can change and define who I am. I’m trying to manage, I’m crying out to God to actually manage it for me because I cannot on my own. I know what it takes…fasting, prayer, studying, meditating, and fellowship. This world is oh so consuming with all of it’s distractions, delicacies, and acts considered “normal”. There is so much to keep me busy, or not so busy. Distractions to take my focus off of what is the only important thing in my life, my walk with God. It’s crazy to say how blessed I was being in prison. It was easier to be diligent in studying, fasting, praying, and meditating. Oh how blessed I was by that time I spent with the Lord. He showed me things I have not deserved to see by my own standards. You see God’s standards are different than ours, we must be so careful. He sees what we cannot because our vision is so polluted, and with good reason for we could not handle to fully - completely see through God’s eyes. Our hearts prevent that anyways.

So who am I? Before I walked out of prison I knew who I was. I stood on what I knew, I knew who I was in the Lord. As I re-entered the world, the world has tried to re-define who I am, and what I stand for. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people trying to persuade me that I dont really know who I am. That I am trying to be someone I am not. That I really don’t want to be a man of God, that I am just lost and confused. That I really like the things I despise. They don’t have a clue of the war going on in my spirit, and how the enemy is using them to try and push me away from God. The enemy operates through their own confusion to try to convince me the old man was who God created me to be. I know better, but the enemy is throwing everything at me. And yes I have lost some battles. I have become selfish in ways. Selfish from God. I have become resentful to my calling at times. I have run and hid, and closed my ears, even placed things before my walk with God. All through spite and selfishness. I have not waited on the Lord as He had waited faithfully for me for 29 years. How much longer will I continue this? As patient as He was, you would think I could be for Him.

No…. I know who I am. I also know the devil doesn’t want me to be who I am in the Lord. He wants me to be who I was when I served him. He lost me for sure, and I know he will never give up trying to persuade me to come back to him. He will continue to put things in my life to preoccupy me. He will continue to bring pain in my life. He will continue to try and steal my joy and cause confusion. He will continue to try and oppress me, suppress me, and depress me. He wants me to recieve death as he has been sentenced to. I know what Jesus has done for me, for all of us, and I know how to recieve the eternal gift. I thank God for His Spirit, as I see so many struggling without it. Struggling to understand His word, struggling to understand what seperates them from God. I pray for all who have a pure heart, that they may find that place of rest where God hath called all to meet Him.